Anger issues

I'm sorry I haven't been updating this blog as often as I used to. I've been focusing on school and getting distracted by watching YouTube videos lol. Anyways, this is quite personal but I want to talk about my anger issues. According to my parents, I've always had anger issues since I was a little kid. I always thought it wasn't that bad but ever since my brother started going to the same school as me, a lot of retarded freshmans would laugh at me, point at me and whisper in front of me. That isn't a big deal but it made me stressed and in my case, stress turns to anger. What made that even worse than it already was is that one of my brother's friends asked me if he can take a picture with me on the way home. I felt very scared back then because I had no clue who he was. Then I started feeling very scared and told everyone I knew but nobody really cared. The next day, my brother's friend would stare at me on the way home, and when my brother wasn't looking, he made a heart sign at me. I felt very scared and if it was raining so hard that there was lightning, I wanted it to hit him and just wanted that retarded freshman to die. I feel like I went off-topic but long story short, because of all of those things that occurred this year, my anger issues became 10 times worse than it already was. 

But I wanted to talk about something that made it even worse than that and it was by messing up on a piano performance. I had a adjudication yesterday and at first I was thinking that I can do it. But as soon I started playing I kept on messing up and my mind just went blank. The adjudicater had to show me the music, despite the fact that I was trying to play without the music. I memorized EVERYTHING but for some reason, I just couldn't play. After the performance, my mom said it was just a bad day and I had bad luck, but I just couldn't get over the fact that it was nowhere close to perfect. Everything has to be perfect. It just has to be. That's why I try to make each cover as good as it can be. I don't care if nobody likes my videos. The videos that I make, I work so hard on recording them and editing them. To me, it's work and effort. 

I'm sorry that this is a very depressing post. I've been very depressed for the past 2 days and I just wanted to write this post about my anger issues and how it's painful to deal with it.